Archive | July, 2010

A Practical and Obvious Idea. . .With Mad Apologies to Tiffany

19 Jul

When planning an event, it is always a good idea to send paper invitations to people who hold a special place in one’s heart. When you receive an invitation to an event, you should do the following:
1) Read it
2) Comprehend it
3) Write the information in your planner
4) RSVP (This does NOT include telling the host “Maybe”. “Maybe” is noncommittal. “Maybe” prevents the host from planning for enough chairs and food. “Maybe” is the cop out of busy people everywhere and a HUGE annoyance to anyone who has ever planned a party)

If you happen to lose your invitation, call the host and not only RSVP, but also reconfirm the information. This will ensure that you know when and where the party will take place.
This weekend, in a shockingly uncharacteristic display of “Katie Losing Her Mind,” I completely forgot to do all of the above for a very dear friend of mine. Please learn from my mistake!
PS: Tiffany, I am so going to make this up to you. Just wait! You will be soooo pleased! ūüôā

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A Quick Jogging Tip for the Lone Woman

13 Jul

Over the past few years exercise has become very important to me. Naturally, my figure is not a primary concern in life but my health is. In order to be polished and lady like, it is important to look after one’s health and well being.
I typically do a crazy combination of running, yoga, and weight lifting, but there is one problem: I like to run outside, but I don’t always have a running partner. I was really at a loss as to what to do until one day on my way home from work I passed a truly inspirational woman.
She was grim. She was fit. She was tan. She was carrying a gigantic baseball bat and scary as all get out BEFORE the double homicide in my neighborhood.
So there you have it, ladies. If you carry a baseball bat while running, no one will mess with you. Ever. Because dear God, you will be seriously scary.

O. M. G.

Sane Person Seeks Ultimate Profession

8 Jul

Dear Employers,

I realize that your desk is currently being flooded with hundreds of resumes all vying for a single substandard position, but can I offer an alternative to the usual?¬† I know how it is, really, I do (Seriously, I’ve worked in HR).¬† You’re going to interview a bunch of qualified applicants, most of which will have a college degree in something, who cannot carry on a civil conversation, will text you at 1:30 in the morning, and say “like” and “yaw” three times per sentence.

Why don’t you hire me instead?¬† Although I have recently been informed that theoretical statistics do trump evidence and experience, I really do believe that you and I, both reasoning people, can come to an understanding.¬† This understanding involves a good job and paying me lots of money.

I’m sure that you are wondering what my skill set is.¬† Let me tell you, it is vast!¬† Not only do I have years and years of boring experience such as customer service, HR, administration, and such, but I also have loads of exciting skills that, I feel are really being underrated.

Does your office seem dull?  Is it lacking a certain panache and charm?  Then clearly you need me.  Not only am I sane and experienced in normal office jobs, but I am also good looking, pleasant to talk to, and I can cook.  Perhaps your office is in need of an uber dose of class and sophistication?  Not only does my crazy mop of hair look very nice in a bun but there is nothing, I repeat nothing classier than a live and theoretically talented violinist!  With over 18 years of experience, I can play tune after tune all day, adding a relaxing and gentile atmosphere to an otherwise sterile work environment.

Perhaps you need some comic relief on the job.¬† While I do work very very hard, I am, to date, the only person I know who has been informed from the pulpit at her wedding that she possesses “sardonic wit”.¬† I bring laughter to most every situation whether I mean to or not.¬† I am really not sure how that happens.

Consider hiring me like renting a high quality piece of art.  After all, what else cooks, looks nice and plays the violin all while doing her job and making you look good?

If that was not enough of a selling point, please keep in mind that I can successfully pass a drug and background check absolutely any day of the week.

Serious inquiries only.

Hugs and Kisses,

Katie

Just a Few Tips. . .

8 Jul

Throughout my travels* one thing has become quite apparent and that is that I have become what many would consider a ‘high class individual.’ So classy am I that a young girl recently asked me to teach her my elegant ways!** After much contemplation I have decided to start blogging again*** and specifically I shall blog a series that will help us all to become more refined. I will be publishing, for the entire WORLD to see, my beauty tips, tricks, and classy secrets. So without further ado. . .*AHEM*

There are two things that I always do before leaving the house and believe that everyone else should do likewise in order to make the world a better place. This ritual is important, so important that it can only be neglected under the following circumstances:

1) You are leaving the house because you are in labor
2) You are so sick that you are really only running out to the nearest redbox to replenish your movie selection before you go completely insane due to horrible upper respiratory crud
3) You are being wheeled out of the house by EMTs in a dead or comatose state and thus have no control over your actions****

So what is this mystical action to which I am referring? It is so simple and so selfless!*****

NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT BOTH BRUSHING YOUR TEETH AND PUTTING ON DEODORANT.

*By travels I mean ‘trips to Walmart”
** Well, kind of, it was more like “We should hang out because you’re smart and know stuff and I want to be smart and know. . .stuff.”
*** Because I really don’t think that I can offend anyone with this subject. Unlike literally every other subject on the face of the earth. Please oh please prove me wrong if only so that I can just give up and blog about everything that pops into my head again!
**** DEAD OR COMATOSE only! Compound fracture? Not that big of a deal.
***** No, really, it is a service to all of humanity, not to oneself.

How to Cope with Snake Hair

8 Jul

I should have know that I was in for it at the first tones of my alarm. As I rolled over and hit snooze I could already hear the faint sound of conspiratory whispers along with odd hissing noises and, holy cow, was that a rattle? My hair was plotting my demise. Again.
I eventually pealed myself from the warm, seductive embrace of my comforter and stumbled to the bathroom. My hair was swirling around my head cackling and claiming that it was ‘called legion for we are many’. Great. Not only am I resembling a non-green skinned and unusually attractive gorgon, apparently my hair has been taking a 15 year old’s class in drama and emo-ism. Que frantic heating up of several appliances. An epic battle was staged. I lost. No matter what I was doomed to have massive volume with what can best be described as. . .snakes. . .in my hair.
15 minutes before I had to leave for work, I looked my hair in it’s, um, eyes(?) and stated in a voice usually reserved for convicts and two year olds, “Ok, hair, listen to me. I get it. You are apparently demonic. But you have two choices: You can either get yourself into some sort of attractive configuration within the confines of some bobby pins, or next week, I swear on all that is good and right in this world, I WILL CUT YOU.”
Screams of protest erupted and the whole ordeal was concluded in about 30 seconds with only a few serpentine tendrils sprouting from my scalp throughout the day.
And that my friends, is the sad truth of my supposedly good hair. It’s a weird texture and it has me outnumbered. Left to it’s own devices it goes feral.
I am sure that I am not the only one.

Thoughts on My Annual Existential Crisis

8 Jul

According to a very good book that I am currently reading, every problem in my life, with people, with jobs, comes directly from my personality type. Dear friends, your Katie, whom you thought was so unique, is a text book example of the creative personality (which sounds strangely arrogant “poor me! I’m SOOO creative!” but bear with me, I’m really not so bad!). My randomness, everything, not so unusual. I’m normal for what I am. But let’s not dwell on that part. . .I just read something truly funny, well, my thoughts were funny.

“. . .If you are not sure what kinds of perceptual experiences give you the most pleasure, flip the question around and think about about the kinds of ugliness that most distress you. . .”

I paused to consider. . .What distresses me. . .and, no joke, the first thing that pops into my head? O’Possums. Really. I hate them. They are disgusting. The worst part about an o’possum? The wormy tale. And the fact that they look evil. I really don’t think that they provide any type of service or environmental benefit. O’Possum can be equated with the phrase ‘modern day nephilim’ if you ask me. . .

And it was in that moment that I found my true calling. . . Starting tomorrow I will rid the world of o’possums. . .

Witches

8 Jul

Today I am thinking about fairy tales in general and, specifically, fairy tale witches. Think about every witch you can. What do they want? What are they like? What do they do?
In almost every circumstance I can think of, fairy tale witches are 1) female 2) Old or Middle aged and 3) after youth and beauty or the destruction of some young, beautiful person’s life. They go about achieving their desires through trickery, often wooing their victims with sweet words or candy. Other methods include random capture of lovely maidens and keeping them locked up in a tower. These old hags are mean.
I have often wondered where certain aspects of mythology and fairy tales originated. In my opinion, if you can find a mythological creature in the literature of several different cultures, then surely it must be at least somewhat based on fact. So I am asking you to cast off your view of a bent over old woman with one bulgy eye and a pointy hat and to really really think. . Where did this come from?
Oh darlings, are you ready for this?
In my life, I have personally met several fairy tale witches. At the hands of these types, I have been locked in a tower, stabbed in the back, and nearly cooked in an oven (ok, so not so much the oven, but how about offered a poison apple, pie, and comb, not to mention the entire ‘come with me, I live in a gingerbread house!’ incident??). My assailants have always been women, usually middle aged, and while they don’t fit the traditional mold, they all have the same horrible goals to poison the mind (concerning husbands or any random prince charming that may come along), crush dreams, and rob a gal of all her youth and beauty (this is usually accomplished by turning all the princes into frogs and then simply making sure to speak some negative spell in the presence of the princess in question until her youthful hope and happiness is gone). Thoroughly motivated by jealousy, they will try to rob you of hope and life and happiness, and basically make you as old tired and miserable and ugly as they are. Often times these women try to seduce with kind words. Overly kind words, sneakily gaining trust and then WHAM! Manipulation and evil acts of the most malicious in nature.
But why, oh why??? Why can’t they just let us young pretty princesses be? I have come to the conclusion that there is something innately evil in operation in many females, and the whole thing is fueled by jealousy and competition. I don’t understand, I will never understand why women can be so mean. Why they choose to be.
So here is my advice, don’t let this happen to you. I would much rather we all turn middle aged and start reading Amish romance novels (I don’t get it, but apparently this is what you do when you start inching up on the big 5-0) than into modern day fairy tale witches (complete with hairy warts!). So here is what we are going to do:
1)Have you heard of the saying ‚ÄúDon’t judge a man until you have walked 2 moons in his moccasins‚ÄĚ? Well, now you have. But let’s switch it up, I say, do not be jealous (ever) but especially until you have walked two moons in this enviable person’s shoes. For all you know they have been through hell to get into the position that you so desire. Just get that nastiness out of your soul. It’s unbecoming and out of fashion.
2)Throw out your evil agenda. Please.
3)Develop character and generosity and forgiveness and stability while you are young. I swear, we could end this in one generation if we tried.
4)Don’t hang around bitter angry, evil people. They are toxic and really, if you hang around a kidnapping witch, there’s a good chance you’ll get stolen or robbed.
5)Laugh. Just laugh, be happy. When you do something totally klutzy in public, laugh! For goodness sake, we don’t have time for all of this scowling. As an added bonus, if you be so joyful, 16 year old boys will hit on you, too (more on that later!)