Sane Person Seeks Ultimate Profession

8 Jul

Dear Employers,

I realize that your desk is currently being flooded with hundreds of resumes all vying for a single substandard position, but can I offer an alternative to the usual?  I know how it is, really, I do (Seriously, I’ve worked in HR).  You’re going to interview a bunch of qualified applicants, most of which will have a college degree in something, who cannot carry on a civil conversation, will text you at 1:30 in the morning, and say “like” and “yaw” three times per sentence.

Why don’t you hire me instead?  Although I have recently been informed that theoretical statistics do trump evidence and experience, I really do believe that you and I, both reasoning people, can come to an understanding.  This understanding involves a good job and paying me lots of money.

I’m sure that you are wondering what my skill set is.  Let me tell you, it is vast!  Not only do I have years and years of boring experience such as customer service, HR, administration, and such, but I also have loads of exciting skills that, I feel are really being underrated.

Does your office seem dull?  Is it lacking a certain panache and charm?  Then clearly you need me.  Not only am I sane and experienced in normal office jobs, but I am also good looking, pleasant to talk to, and I can cook.  Perhaps your office is in need of an uber dose of class and sophistication?  Not only does my crazy mop of hair look very nice in a bun but there is nothing, I repeat nothing classier than a live and theoretically talented violinist!  With over 18 years of experience, I can play tune after tune all day, adding a relaxing and gentile atmosphere to an otherwise sterile work environment.

Perhaps you need some comic relief on the job.  While I do work very very hard, I am, to date, the only person I know who has been informed from the pulpit at her wedding that she possesses “sardonic wit”.  I bring laughter to most every situation whether I mean to or not.  I am really not sure how that happens.

Consider hiring me like renting a high quality piece of art.  After all, what else cooks, looks nice and plays the violin all while doing her job and making you look good?

If that was not enough of a selling point, please keep in mind that I can successfully pass a drug and background check absolutely any day of the week.

Serious inquiries only.

Hugs and Kisses,



2 Responses to “Sane Person Seeks Ultimate Profession”

  1. Jackson July 13, 2010 at 12:35 am #

    It is my experience that most employers treat hiring like buying discount fruit… They would rather go quick and cheap and throw it away if it turns out to be foul than pick through and pay for something worthwhile!

  2. katiesguide July 13, 2010 at 12:42 am #

    It’s true, and sad.

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