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A Word or Two on Your Upcoming Court Date

26 Feb

If you ever should find yourself in a situation that requires a trial I have one very valuable peice3 of advice for you: Your court date is not the day to wear your head to toe St Louis Cardinals outfit*.  It is highly encouraged that you wear a suit or perhaps just a nice shirt and tie.  You should also instruct your lawyer that while you approve of his snazzy dress in a normal every day setting, you would appreciate it if he would leave his pimp hat at home for your trial.

I f you are a female, today is not the day to show the world your LBT** or your trampstamp.  Instead, it would be adviseable for you to wear something a little on the conservative side. (Think turtleneck and pants)

I am sure that many of you are wondering how you will express yourself or make a statement about your individuality with the above guidelines.  The answer?  Let your lawyer make your statements.***

* Or really any type of sports gear.

** LBT is a lovely abbreviation for “left boob tattoo”

***Unless, of course, your lawyer is wearing a pimp hat.  Then, you should get a new lawyer.

Work Appropriate #1

5 Aug

Tappity tappity ping! Tappity tappity ping! Tappity Ring ring!
“Guy Gumshoe, Private Eye. . .  Hello Mrs Finklebottom. . .*Tappity* No, we haven’t found him yet. . .*tap*.. .Yes we’re working on it. . .*yelling. . Slam!*. . . Good grief. .. ”
I continued to type. . .Tappity. .. Tappity. . The door creaked open and-  Slam! Guy Gumshoe strode into the office with purpose, with determination, with panache with-
“Ms Friday I need you to get me Sammy the Snitch on the phone immediately and then I need you to-”
“Sir, I can’t. Sammy the Snitch-”
“Of course you can. Wait a minute, who are you? What have you done with your hair?”
“Sammy the Snitch got whacked by Moe the Mobster last Wednesday. I just got my hair done. It’s supposed to look like Veronica Lake, I hear it’s the latest thing, do you like it?”
“No. I don’t like it and I don’t like change. Ring Flo-”
“Florence the Floozy has been sleeping with the fishes since she crossed Speak Easy Pete 2 months ago.”
“Hmm. .. Well call someone and get the low down on the Finklesteen boy and get it fast.”
And just as quickly as he had come, Guy Gumshoe disappeared into his office. I turned open my address book and began searching for someone, anyone who might know the whereabouts of Freddy Finklesteen. He had been missing for 3 months and our investigation had revealed a bit of a seedy past. Guy’s door opened slowly.
“And Ms Friday, will you get me something to drink?”
“I thought we were abiding by prohibition now.”
“Only on Tuesdays”
“It is Tuesday.”
“Only on last Tuesday”
“Just a minute.”
I opened my desk drawer and brought out our contraband bottle of scotch when something terrible happened.
The door opened and in rushed what could best be described as a giant lime green swamp monster with a bad hair day. Tentacles and assorted pond scum waved in a threatening manner. I dropped the scotch and screamed.
“Katie are you ok? Oh my-”
BANG!
With an ominous wail, the swamp creature fell to the floor. Cautiously, Guy and I approached the deceased monster only to find. . .
“Holy cats! That’s my assistant, Ms. Tacky!” I cried.
We had a bit of trouble explaining ourselves to the fuzz, but upon examination they agreed that Ms. Tacky’s death was purely accidental. Given the strange costume she had on, it was a mistake that anyone could have made, they said.
Turns out she was really just going for one of those new fangled, Bohemian looks. She was dressed from head to toe in flowy ruffly crepe-y fabric. Her fatal mistake was the color choice of lime green.
And that is why, dear friends, you should always wear sane and professional attire at work.

Just a Few Tips. . .

8 Jul

Throughout my travels* one thing has become quite apparent and that is that I have become what many would consider a ‘high class individual.’ So classy am I that a young girl recently asked me to teach her my elegant ways!** After much contemplation I have decided to start blogging again*** and specifically I shall blog a series that will help us all to become more refined. I will be publishing, for the entire WORLD to see, my beauty tips, tricks, and classy secrets. So without further ado. . .*AHEM*

There are two things that I always do before leaving the house and believe that everyone else should do likewise in order to make the world a better place. This ritual is important, so important that it can only be neglected under the following circumstances:

1) You are leaving the house because you are in labor
2) You are so sick that you are really only running out to the nearest redbox to replenish your movie selection before you go completely insane due to horrible upper respiratory crud
3) You are being wheeled out of the house by EMTs in a dead or comatose state and thus have no control over your actions****

So what is this mystical action to which I am referring? It is so simple and so selfless!*****

NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT BOTH BRUSHING YOUR TEETH AND PUTTING ON DEODORANT.

*By travels I mean ‘trips to Walmart”
** Well, kind of, it was more like “We should hang out because you’re smart and know stuff and I want to be smart and know. . .stuff.”
*** Because I really don’t think that I can offend anyone with this subject. Unlike literally every other subject on the face of the earth. Please oh please prove me wrong if only so that I can just give up and blog about everything that pops into my head again!
**** DEAD OR COMATOSE only! Compound fracture? Not that big of a deal.
***** No, really, it is a service to all of humanity, not to oneself.

How to Cope with Snake Hair

8 Jul

I should have know that I was in for it at the first tones of my alarm. As I rolled over and hit snooze I could already hear the faint sound of conspiratory whispers along with odd hissing noises and, holy cow, was that a rattle? My hair was plotting my demise. Again.
I eventually pealed myself from the warm, seductive embrace of my comforter and stumbled to the bathroom. My hair was swirling around my head cackling and claiming that it was ‘called legion for we are many’. Great. Not only am I resembling a non-green skinned and unusually attractive gorgon, apparently my hair has been taking a 15 year old’s class in drama and emo-ism. Que frantic heating up of several appliances. An epic battle was staged. I lost. No matter what I was doomed to have massive volume with what can best be described as. . .snakes. . .in my hair.
15 minutes before I had to leave for work, I looked my hair in it’s, um, eyes(?) and stated in a voice usually reserved for convicts and two year olds, “Ok, hair, listen to me. I get it. You are apparently demonic. But you have two choices: You can either get yourself into some sort of attractive configuration within the confines of some bobby pins, or next week, I swear on all that is good and right in this world, I WILL CUT YOU.”
Screams of protest erupted and the whole ordeal was concluded in about 30 seconds with only a few serpentine tendrils sprouting from my scalp throughout the day.
And that my friends, is the sad truth of my supposedly good hair. It’s a weird texture and it has me outnumbered. Left to it’s own devices it goes feral.
I am sure that I am not the only one.

Witches

8 Jul

Today I am thinking about fairy tales in general and, specifically, fairy tale witches. Think about every witch you can. What do they want? What are they like? What do they do?
In almost every circumstance I can think of, fairy tale witches are 1) female 2) Old or Middle aged and 3) after youth and beauty or the destruction of some young, beautiful person’s life. They go about achieving their desires through trickery, often wooing their victims with sweet words or candy. Other methods include random capture of lovely maidens and keeping them locked up in a tower. These old hags are mean.
I have often wondered where certain aspects of mythology and fairy tales originated. In my opinion, if you can find a mythological creature in the literature of several different cultures, then surely it must be at least somewhat based on fact. So I am asking you to cast off your view of a bent over old woman with one bulgy eye and a pointy hat and to really really think. . Where did this come from?
Oh darlings, are you ready for this?
In my life, I have personally met several fairy tale witches. At the hands of these types, I have been locked in a tower, stabbed in the back, and nearly cooked in an oven (ok, so not so much the oven, but how about offered a poison apple, pie, and comb, not to mention the entire ‘come with me, I live in a gingerbread house!’ incident??). My assailants have always been women, usually middle aged, and while they don’t fit the traditional mold, they all have the same horrible goals to poison the mind (concerning husbands or any random prince charming that may come along), crush dreams, and rob a gal of all her youth and beauty (this is usually accomplished by turning all the princes into frogs and then simply making sure to speak some negative spell in the presence of the princess in question until her youthful hope and happiness is gone). Thoroughly motivated by jealousy, they will try to rob you of hope and life and happiness, and basically make you as old tired and miserable and ugly as they are. Often times these women try to seduce with kind words. Overly kind words, sneakily gaining trust and then WHAM! Manipulation and evil acts of the most malicious in nature.
But why, oh why??? Why can’t they just let us young pretty princesses be? I have come to the conclusion that there is something innately evil in operation in many females, and the whole thing is fueled by jealousy and competition. I don’t understand, I will never understand why women can be so mean. Why they choose to be.
So here is my advice, don’t let this happen to you. I would much rather we all turn middle aged and start reading Amish romance novels (I don’t get it, but apparently this is what you do when you start inching up on the big 5-0) than into modern day fairy tale witches (complete with hairy warts!). So here is what we are going to do:
1)Have you heard of the saying “Don’t judge a man until you have walked 2 moons in his moccasins”? Well, now you have. But let’s switch it up, I say, do not be jealous (ever) but especially until you have walked two moons in this enviable person’s shoes. For all you know they have been through hell to get into the position that you so desire. Just get that nastiness out of your soul. It’s unbecoming and out of fashion.
2)Throw out your evil agenda. Please.
3)Develop character and generosity and forgiveness and stability while you are young. I swear, we could end this in one generation if we tried.
4)Don’t hang around bitter angry, evil people. They are toxic and really, if you hang around a kidnapping witch, there’s a good chance you’ll get stolen or robbed.
5)Laugh. Just laugh, be happy. When you do something totally klutzy in public, laugh! For goodness sake, we don’t have time for all of this scowling. As an added bonus, if you be so joyful, 16 year old boys will hit on you, too (more on that later!)

How to Attract a Mate

7 Jul

Everywhere I go people ask me about my one major accomplishment: attracting a mate. And not just any mate, but an attractive mate who smells nice. I have dwelt long and hard on this subject, because most days I really don’t know how this happened. Was it my rapier wit? Charm? Immense wealth? Mad Bowstaff skills?
No.
No.
None of these are the answer.
Now I am pretty sure that you are hoping that I will immediately begin to plug my new product “Katie’s Super Fantasgreat Mate Attracting Serum” (A delightful blend of snake oil, phermones, and garam masala, available everywhere that fine products are sold, for 5 easy payments of $19.95), but I have actually come up with a better and FREE solution:
When your hair is dirty, wash it.