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Sane Person Seeks Ultimate Profession

8 Jul

Dear Employers,

I realize that your desk is currently being flooded with hundreds of resumes all vying for a single substandard position, but can I offer an alternative to the usual?  I know how it is, really, I do (Seriously, I’ve worked in HR).  You’re going to interview a bunch of qualified applicants, most of which will have a college degree in something, who cannot carry on a civil conversation, will text you at 1:30 in the morning, and say “like” and “yaw” three times per sentence.

Why don’t you hire me instead?  Although I have recently been informed that theoretical statistics do trump evidence and experience, I really do believe that you and I, both reasoning people, can come to an understanding.  This understanding involves a good job and paying me lots of money.

I’m sure that you are wondering what my skill set is.  Let me tell you, it is vast!  Not only do I have years and years of boring experience such as customer service, HR, administration, and such, but I also have loads of exciting skills that, I feel are really being underrated.

Does your office seem dull?  Is it lacking a certain panache and charm?  Then clearly you need me.  Not only am I sane and experienced in normal office jobs, but I am also good looking, pleasant to talk to, and I can cook.  Perhaps your office is in need of an uber dose of class and sophistication?  Not only does my crazy mop of hair look very nice in a bun but there is nothing, I repeat nothing classier than a live and theoretically talented violinist!  With over 18 years of experience, I can play tune after tune all day, adding a relaxing and gentile atmosphere to an otherwise sterile work environment.

Perhaps you need some comic relief on the job.  While I do work very very hard, I am, to date, the only person I know who has been informed from the pulpit at her wedding that she possesses “sardonic wit”.  I bring laughter to most every situation whether I mean to or not.  I am really not sure how that happens.

Consider hiring me like renting a high quality piece of art.  After all, what else cooks, looks nice and plays the violin all while doing her job and making you look good?

If that was not enough of a selling point, please keep in mind that I can successfully pass a drug and background check absolutely any day of the week.

Serious inquiries only.

Hugs and Kisses,

Katie

How to Cope with Snake Hair

8 Jul

I should have know that I was in for it at the first tones of my alarm. As I rolled over and hit snooze I could already hear the faint sound of conspiratory whispers along with odd hissing noises and, holy cow, was that a rattle? My hair was plotting my demise. Again.
I eventually pealed myself from the warm, seductive embrace of my comforter and stumbled to the bathroom. My hair was swirling around my head cackling and claiming that it was ‘called legion for we are many’. Great. Not only am I resembling a non-green skinned and unusually attractive gorgon, apparently my hair has been taking a 15 year old’s class in drama and emo-ism. Que frantic heating up of several appliances. An epic battle was staged. I lost. No matter what I was doomed to have massive volume with what can best be described as. . .snakes. . .in my hair.
15 minutes before I had to leave for work, I looked my hair in it’s, um, eyes(?) and stated in a voice usually reserved for convicts and two year olds, “Ok, hair, listen to me. I get it. You are apparently demonic. But you have two choices: You can either get yourself into some sort of attractive configuration within the confines of some bobby pins, or next week, I swear on all that is good and right in this world, I WILL CUT YOU.”
Screams of protest erupted and the whole ordeal was concluded in about 30 seconds with only a few serpentine tendrils sprouting from my scalp throughout the day.
And that my friends, is the sad truth of my supposedly good hair. It’s a weird texture and it has me outnumbered. Left to it’s own devices it goes feral.
I am sure that I am not the only one.

Thoughts on My Annual Existential Crisis

8 Jul

According to a very good book that I am currently reading, every problem in my life, with people, with jobs, comes directly from my personality type. Dear friends, your Katie, whom you thought was so unique, is a text book example of the creative personality (which sounds strangely arrogant “poor me! I’m SOOO creative!” but bear with me, I’m really not so bad!). My randomness, everything, not so unusual. I’m normal for what I am. But let’s not dwell on that part. . .I just read something truly funny, well, my thoughts were funny.

“. . .If you are not sure what kinds of perceptual experiences give you the most pleasure, flip the question around and think about about the kinds of ugliness that most distress you. . .”

I paused to consider. . .What distresses me. . .and, no joke, the first thing that pops into my head? O’Possums. Really. I hate them. They are disgusting. The worst part about an o’possum? The wormy tale. And the fact that they look evil. I really don’t think that they provide any type of service or environmental benefit. O’Possum can be equated with the phrase ‘modern day nephilim’ if you ask me. . .

And it was in that moment that I found my true calling. . . Starting tomorrow I will rid the world of o’possums. . .