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Just a Few Tips. . .

8 Jul

Throughout my travels* one thing has become quite apparent and that is that I have become what many would consider a ‘high class individual.’ So classy am I that a young girl recently asked me to teach her my elegant ways!** After much contemplation I have decided to start blogging again*** and specifically I shall blog a series that will help us all to become more refined. I will be publishing, for the entire WORLD to see, my beauty tips, tricks, and classy secrets. So without further ado. . .*AHEM*

There are two things that I always do before leaving the house and believe that everyone else should do likewise in order to make the world a better place. This ritual is important, so important that it can only be neglected under the following circumstances:

1) You are leaving the house because you are in labor
2) You are so sick that you are really only running out to the nearest redbox to replenish your movie selection before you go completely insane due to horrible upper respiratory crud
3) You are being wheeled out of the house by EMTs in a dead or comatose state and thus have no control over your actions****

So what is this mystical action to which I am referring? It is so simple and so selfless!*****

NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT BOTH BRUSHING YOUR TEETH AND PUTTING ON DEODORANT.

*By travels I mean ‘trips to Walmart”
** Well, kind of, it was more like “We should hang out because you’re smart and know stuff and I want to be smart and know. . .stuff.”
*** Because I really don’t think that I can offend anyone with this subject. Unlike literally every other subject on the face of the earth. Please oh please prove me wrong if only so that I can just give up and blog about everything that pops into my head again!
**** DEAD OR COMATOSE only! Compound fracture? Not that big of a deal.
***** No, really, it is a service to all of humanity, not to oneself.

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How to Attract a Mate

7 Jul

Everywhere I go people ask me about my one major accomplishment: attracting a mate. And not just any mate, but an attractive mate who smells nice. I have dwelt long and hard on this subject, because most days I really don’t know how this happened. Was it my rapier wit? Charm? Immense wealth? Mad Bowstaff skills?
No.
No.
None of these are the answer.
Now I am pretty sure that you are hoping that I will immediately begin to plug my new product “Katie’s Super Fantasgreat Mate Attracting Serum” (A delightful blend of snake oil, phermones, and garam masala, available everywhere that fine products are sold, for 5 easy payments of $19.95), but I have actually come up with a better and FREE solution:
When your hair is dirty, wash it.