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Sane Person Seeks Ultimate Profession

8 Jul

Dear Employers,

I realize that your desk is currently being flooded with hundreds of resumes all vying for a single substandard position, but can I offer an alternative to the usual?  I know how it is, really, I do (Seriously, I’ve worked in HR).  You’re going to interview a bunch of qualified applicants, most of which will have a college degree in something, who cannot carry on a civil conversation, will text you at 1:30 in the morning, and say “like” and “yaw” three times per sentence.

Why don’t you hire me instead?  Although I have recently been informed that theoretical statistics do trump evidence and experience, I really do believe that you and I, both reasoning people, can come to an understanding.  This understanding involves a good job and paying me lots of money.

I’m sure that you are wondering what my skill set is.  Let me tell you, it is vast!  Not only do I have years and years of boring experience such as customer service, HR, administration, and such, but I also have loads of exciting skills that, I feel are really being underrated.

Does your office seem dull?  Is it lacking a certain panache and charm?  Then clearly you need me.  Not only am I sane and experienced in normal office jobs, but I am also good looking, pleasant to talk to, and I can cook.  Perhaps your office is in need of an uber dose of class and sophistication?  Not only does my crazy mop of hair look very nice in a bun but there is nothing, I repeat nothing classier than a live and theoretically talented violinist!  With over 18 years of experience, I can play tune after tune all day, adding a relaxing and gentile atmosphere to an otherwise sterile work environment.

Perhaps you need some comic relief on the job.  While I do work very very hard, I am, to date, the only person I know who has been informed from the pulpit at her wedding that she possesses “sardonic wit”.  I bring laughter to most every situation whether I mean to or not.  I am really not sure how that happens.

Consider hiring me like renting a high quality piece of art.  After all, what else cooks, looks nice and plays the violin all while doing her job and making you look good?

If that was not enough of a selling point, please keep in mind that I can successfully pass a drug and background check absolutely any day of the week.

Serious inquiries only.

Hugs and Kisses,



Job Testing And Not Celebrating Femininity

7 Jul

“When in doubt, wear black, and if your blacks don’t match, the gray Michael Kohr’s will do” My mantra, my silliness. My “I really don’t know what I’m getting into but darn it I will look great!” -ness. Job testing. What?
A few months ago I was unceremoniously chucked from a position I enjoyed. To make a long story short: the thing was unjust and really really nasty.
After a brief ‘sabatical’ (including yet another weird and allergy ridden trip to my home town. . .why do I go there???), I was ready for something new. As of late my incessant applying is garnering attention. . .Companies seem to think that I want to drive to Saint Louis and or Midtown for a position. Of course.
Tuesday night I had some ‘testing’ for an interesting looking position. So with much stress (why? because, actually a job hunt gets harder in a lot of ways once you’ve spent a year on the other side of the hiring table. . but not far enough over on that table to matter, just far enough to learn. . .a lot), and much ultra professionalism I made my way to the testing site. I entered the lobby. And nearly walked right back out. I had assumed that this was going to be somewhat like an interview. Nope! I was greeted by about 20 pairs of beady little eyes. Nasty stares. Cattiness seeping out of every pore of about 12 of these women. Nervousness emanating from 6 others. and some actual kindness from the other two.
“Good God, I do NOT need this!” I said to myself. Shook my hair back, remembered that I lost 5 pounds this week and strode purposely forward, projecting confidence and success with every stomp of my fantastic heels. Signed in. Took a seat next to one of the few nice looking ladies while I ignored glares from 360 degrees.
Mutterings about stiff competition. For 45 minutes I sat. Bored, annoyed, and trying to figure out if I could somehow organize the women to sing rounds or tell stories or somehow cut the tension. I personally was all for singing, and swaying, and well, you know, my imagination was probably too much for this job anyways.
Finally we went down through a perennially chic labyrinth (it will be outdated in about 5 years) and into the abyss. .. or testing room. And we took the most hilarious customer service attitude test of my life. And I had to be calm, quiet and professional the ENTIRE time. Now, the second it was announced that the testing was customer service, I probably should have left. You see, I am good at it, but every time I take a multiple choice test along these lines I do HORRIBLY. So does Phil. And so do most of my very best friends. And we really aren’t awful people. Anyhow, the thing was hilarious simply because of poor acting and the 80’s-ness of it all. What’s a Katie to do when there are people walking across the screen with make-up to rival a production of “Cats”? How about when the Boy George look a likes come on?? Oh my. It was insanity.

I am NOT expecting to hear back on this opportunity. It’s a good one, but they are testing 90 people for one position. And only interviewing the top 5 scorers. Given my history with such tests, I will be surprised if I get a call back.

Of course, this leads me to a point that is somewhat related to my job search and life in general and please help me, please TELL me why I am wrong, I need to know: I think EVERYONE who tries to tell me or most women to celebrate their femininity is full of garbage. It would be easier for me to accept this if well, if women weren’t so mean! I don’t feel the need to own purple things (I actually have a women’s devotional Bible with some articles by one of my pastors in it that I will not read because every time I look at it I feel that it is ‘too purple’), I don’t want to wear a red hat(well, maybe I do, but not a Red Hat Lady Hat), I hate “gushy” feeling talk, I will not complain about my husband with you, nor will I gush the intimate details of my life OR have a statue of one of my future children in utero on my coffee table! Really. I do not LIKE gushy silly women worship. Especially because, ladies, we aren’t that great. Now don’t misjudge me, there are women I love and I am fine with being one myself, but on a whole, I’m sick of females. I’m sick of having to put up with catty women who never got over high school. Heck, I’m tired of running into the same petty, silly, immaturity that I endured for all 3 years I was in high school! If you are claiming to be a grown woman you need to put that behind you, grow some ovaries and get over yourself. I expect so much more! Of course, I always have.
In my job search I am keeping a few things at the forefront of my mind. One of them is that I am not desperate for a job. The other is that I will NEVER work in an office full of women again.
Really as of late I’m so terrified of being stuck in a mundane position in which my creativity is either being wasted or attributed to someone else that I really don’t have much pep. I really just need to find a creative way to bring in income.
Of course I do have a couple back up plans:
1) write a Pulitzer Prize Winning Novel
2)Be a rock star